I’m not even sure how on earth to begin this one, but I’ll do my damned best.
Lets start by stating that I do like men (not all of you guys, but most, and some of you I really do love) but for the life of me, I don’t understand men. Not even my gay friends do I undertand. But since this one has nothing to do with you, my dear gay friends, I will leave you out of this (for now).
I don’t think “Men are from Mars and Women from Venus” its more like “Men are from Andromeda and Women from Venus” or another far, far away galaxy. we just don’t see eye to eye.
Now. If the shoe fits, by all means: wear it! this is NOT about any of you guys in particular (or is it?)
Every now and again we meet if not the “right guy” the “right guy for now” and yes, that’s ok with us. But for crying out loud, as Judge JUdy would say “don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining” don’t insult our intelligence. And yes, we ARE bright as the sun!
Not all of us want neither a ring on our fingers or children. Hell, we don’t even want to live with you in the same place some time. (lets face it, come of you have nasty personal habits -hygiene and otherwise).
Here are some examples of things I’ve witnessed.
While touring New Zealand on a bus, we stopped at a hostal where we all had too cook and wash the dishes. The driver/tour guide decided to make it fun and fair for all, so he made a contest. “The side who wins, gets to choose the chore”. Each side had to do the same thing -only faster. he would call out for the person who was all the way at the back to pass him a shoe. to name a song from a Kiwi band, etc.. He then called on both sides to pass him condoms. Side with the most number of them won.
I had five with me that some lesbian friends of mine in Sydney had given me “just in case you may need them” (mind you, some of them were beyond their expiration date and some were made in some very funky places) but they were still on my backpack. (just in case, right?) and they DID come out handy!! my side won and we got to choose cooking over cleaning. yes indeed!! After we won, and he gave each of us our things, I told him he could keep my condoms, I don’t have a place to put them. They’re all yours mate. To this, one of the *POMEs who was with us, looked at me with a hint of concern on his face and very seriously told me: “Oh babe, don’t get disappointed, you might need one before this trip is over”. I looked at him and with an even more worried look on my face told him: “Oh good Lord, are you kidding me? have you seen yourselves? I would NOT have sex with any of you even if my life depended on it. KEEP THEM! needless to say, both the driver and the girls who were close by, burst out laughing. The driver calling me princess from that point of the trip till we finished. …Oh, well. Not my fault they were all butt ugly AND unfuckables.
Someone else once told me: “I will not have sex with you until I know I can give you a relationship”. Huh, seriously? I don’t remember asking him neither for sex OR a relationship. we were just chatting about nothing in particular and he goes bonkers on me. There should be a law against saying the first thing that pops into a man’s mouth before he thinks it at least twice!
But I digress. that was just a little story of how men and women think.
I know couples whom been going out for over seven year but he refuses to let her move in with him. “things will just NOT work out” huh, seriously? after seven years together, how on earth do you figure that, Sherlock?
So, what happens when you meet a guy, have no expectations whatsoever, he starts calling, invites you to a performance he will be having, you accept and the day of said performance you find out his GIRLFRIEND is going (mind you, you didn’t even KNOW he had a GF!) I mean, he used to go out with a childhood friend of yours, but that didn’t last, and when they broke-up, your friend told you he was a truly weird mo-fo. but did you listen?? noooo, why on earth would you!
You go into the restaurant and proceed to IMMEDIATELY call the former GF. She cracks up laughing at the funky situation and says the wisest thing ever: “told you, but did you listen?” I did, I just didn’t think he would be such an idiot. Needless to say, at this point the guy in question becomes “my friend” no more, no less…
You still cal each other on the phone and see each other. there are some innuendos going back and forth, but believe you me, on this side, it has turned into a game, a very tedious game, but a game nonetheless. I believe at this point if I were at his place and decided to rip my clothes off, he would ask me if I threw wine on them and needed to wash them and proceed to hand me a cotton terry robe. That’s just how dumb he is.
Are men that simple, or are they simply dumb? don’t they get the “nudge, nudge. hint, hint” when we women without being too forward basically tell them “sure, I’ll go there” just don’t bother me afterwards, I don’t know if I care to make you my partner just yet, but why not, we can hang out, and if you’re a bit nuts like me, we can talk about what comes next”.
That said, next time you stick a girl’s phone into your jeans front pocket and she says: “do you really believe I won’t fish it out of there in 3 seconds and take it out”. Don’t just laugh. DARE HER! you might be surprised what happens.
PS. I will translate it into spanish at a later date. If I don’t so it in english, some people will bitch at me till they go blue in the face. I rather deal with the spanish speaking bitching than the english one.
*Prisioner Of Mother England. -term the Australians and New Zealanders give to their British counterparts.